Be Vulnerable

As men, we tend to avoid our hearts. Our emotions, thoughts, choices, and desires can be confusing, and often, we aren't interested in trying to understand them because of the time it takes. Throughout this Heroic Journey, you will have many opportunities to delve into the depths of your heart. We implore you to be vulnerable with yourself, your son, and God.

God knows your heart. He created you; He knit you together and breathed his life in you. Who else could know you better? Your heavenly Dad sees your journey. He wants to be a part of it. He isn't asking you to be a helpful tool; He wants relationship with you.

As you continue to journal and pray, be ultra vulnerable with Him. Tell Him the thoughts you dare not utter. Explain the dreams and desires you hold so close to your heart. Tell him stories. Be mad at Him. Ask questions, yes, even the ones you try to hide. If this seems strange to you, read through the Psalms of David. One minute, David praises God; the next, he is angry, asking, "Where the hell are you?" At times, he seems like a lunatic, yet he is a "man after my (God's) own heart." Trust us, God can take it, and really, he wants to.

Your son wants to be known, too, but he may not know how to be vulnerable with you. Often, verbalizing what is on our heart is difficult, especially for a young man. That's okay; you can be vulnerable with him to spark vulnerability. Your vulnerability can give him a blueprint for how to share it with you. Share your struggles and failures. (Trust us, he knows you are not perfect, whether he will admit it or not.) Share your wins and victories. Share what God is doing in your life. Share how you are taking your identity question to Him. Tell your son stories. Being vulnerable will help him feel safe to share with you. We reap what we sow; sow well!

One last thought:

Be aware of the amount of vulnerability your son can receive from you. He is young, and his young heart may not handle or process everything you are going through. Keep it age-appropriate; our sons need to hear stories that match their level of maturity and call them up to more. I (Chris) am here for you if you need to process something heavy. I want to be an advocate for you men.

Relinquishing Control

I tried to have a "vision" for my kid's life for far too long. I imagined them growing up in a life resembling the American Dream with some Jesus sprinkled in. Sports was their "adventure." Church was their spiritual training tool. Mind you, these aren't bad things, but they certainly don't focus on growing my kids in the wisdom and knowledge of the Word. I wasn't giving them God's identity or helping them find their mission with Him. Their code was born from a list of do's and don'ts.

The reality was I needed to teach my kids to discern their TRUE SOURCE's voice for themselves. Yes, I wanted them to listen to me (as long as I pointed them to God's heart), but more importantly, they needed to listen to God's voice. He created them and knows what He has for them. I needed to teach them how to weed out all the false sources and follow the TRUE SOURCE's lead in their life.

But to teach them, I needed to do the same for my heart. This was when my heavenly Dad revealed Spiritual True North to me (our topic for the month). The hard part was being willing not to be "True North" for my kids (taking them somewhere I felt they should go vs. trusting God to speak to them and lead them to his destination for them). Yes, it was a learning process, and I certainly tried to be a source that pointed them to God's Heart and their true identity, but ultimately, calibrating to Spiritual True North (or weeding out my magnets) was a way to release them to the life God has for them vs. the life I envisioned they should live. I was becoming a magnet in their life, so I needed to step back and let God lead. My job was and is to teach them how to commune with their TRUE SOURCE.

As you walk through this Heroic Journey with your son, ask yourself, 'Am I willing to relinquish control of my son's story to a good Creator? Am I willing to recalibrate my heart to Spiritual True North by cutting my magnets so that I can effectively model what it looks like to listen and follow my True Source?

It's difficult to wrestle with (because it requires CHANGE), but I promise it's worth the hard work!

Guide, don't tell.

We all want to father our sons well. As a young dad, I desired my sons to become "better men" than I was, make fewer mistakes, have less regret, and live more full lives. That often led to me to just "telling" them what to do, how to think and reason, the right way to act, and what mistakes to avoid. I mean, really, I had learned the hard way, so why not offer them that wisDUMB, right? Seems fair and loving! It was a good desire with a less-than-desirable delivery.

It wasn't until I recognized how God fathers me that I could father my sons well. God always pointed me in the right direction and yet allowed me to choose. Sometimes, I choose well! Other times, not so much. When I made poor choices, he could have just told me what to do, and if I didn't do it, cut me loose in frustration. But He didn't; instead, He guided me through my mistakes and led me to choose better. Fathering our sons is no different. As dads, we must learn to guide our sons, not just tell them what to do.

Let me explain. When my sons were younger, they had a knack for putting holes in the walls, from air-soft-sized ones to some the size of their butts (that's a good story). At first, I would tell them to be more careful while they watched me fix the holes myself. Over time, I let them help; I would fix one hole, then let them do another. I'd offer encouragement and correction, sometimes take their hands and GUIDE their motion.

Over time, they all learned how to spackle, sand, prime, and paint a wall. Of course, I got frustrated, and yes, the job always took way longer! But we did it TOGETHER, one step at a time. I modeled; they followed. I was simply a guide!

They often made mistakes; they put too much spackling on, didn't taper it well, etc. They had to sand and clean a lot more, but they learned WHY we do it the way we do. They improvised at times and even added a personal touch, but ultimately, they understood something deeper, and we grew closer. They learned how to fix holes and how to be humble and guided.

"Guide, don't just tell" is the same for leading our sons into life with God. We want our sons to just "get it." We stand there and drill principles into their heads for years, but often, they struggle to receive it. Instead, guide them along the way. You've learned a lot from experience and can offer wisdom (or wisDUMB) to your son. Share your story (or be vulnerable :), help them see the best path, let them choose, and allow them to learn from their experiences. No matter what they choose, walk with them as they do. Celebrate the wins. Mourn the losses.

Be okay with your son making appropriate-sized mistakes, and be ready to help him "get back on the horse" when he chooses poorly. Ask good questions that help him evaluate the consequences of his choices and see a better path forward (but not necessarily yours). A couple of questions that may help in that: How did that work for you? How would you change what you did? Did that turn out as you expected?

Offer help, not criticism; don't evaluate what they did; help THEM evaluate what they did. And as you walk with them, always offer them God's truth.