The New Frontier - A Father's WisDUMB

In a world full of confusion, it's hard to find what we need to lead our families well. This can often leave a gap in us and our dad skills. Throughout the year, we want to help you bridge that gap with truth, stories, and time-tested fathering skills. We don't want to father your sons for you; we want to EQUIP YOU to father them. We believe in you and who God has created you to be.

This is why, at the beginning of every month, we offer you some wisdom that we've learned from years of either fathering our sons or being fathered by God. We spell it w-i-s-D-U-M-B because often, the wisdom we've gained is from making the wrong decision and seeing that there is a better Path forward. Some wisDUMB will be short bites to get you thinking. Others will have practical steps you can take with your boy. Whatever it is, we believe they will help you engage and experience all God has for you and your son this year.

Click through the titles in the green menu below for each wisDUMB.

Pursue Heart, Not Behavior

"My goal is not to make my son a 'good kid'!"

Boy, did I (Chris H) get some looks for making that statement to a group of men.

My goal is to raise my family to have real relationship with their good Creator, so they reflect His heart the way He intends. I want to align my parenting style with who God has created each of my kids to be. One significant aspect of this was learning to pursue my kids' hearts versus focusing on their behavior.

What do I mean by this?

My kids don't always do the right thing (I know you're surprised to hear that). When they do the wrong thing, there is usually a REASON behind it - not an excuse but a reason. There is a heart matter driving their behavior. As a dad, I lovingly try to drill down to that. I want to understand what is going on in their heart and why that is driving them to certain choices.

To do that, first and foremost, I must stop focusing on how their actions affect me. This isn't about me. The truth is, their choices aren't often personal. Ultimately, I want to help my kids understand their hearts- their emotions, desires, thoughts, and beliefs- so they can learn to let God's truth and heart lead them forward.

How do we understand our kids' hearts? We ask good questions!

In a tense moment, slow down and calm your heart. Respond to the situation; don't react. Help your son calm down, and then ask questions. Listen to understand. He may not know how to express his internal world, but be patient. You may even know what's bothering him; don't force it. LEAD him there. Then, help him process the course of his actions. Help him see how the negative consequences of his choices affect his heart and life with God. Cast a vision for moving forward with God, and walk with your son as he steps into that.

Pursue their heart! If your son understands his heart and chooses to trust in God's truth, the behavior will follow. This has never failed me as a dad.

Ask Good Questions: The Question Rhythm

Asking good questions is one of the best ways to pursue heart over behavior. I ask my kids and wife specific questions about how they are doing on a regular basis. My goal is not to learn what I can do to "fix" them but to listen, encourage, pray, and battle alongside them. They may sometimes ask for wisdom, but I've had to learn to be present and listen well instead of creating "fix-it" lists. In my performance mindset as a guy, I miss what my family ACTUALLY needs. Our families don't need fixing; they need us to walk with them on their journeys. That is what lies at the heart of this rhythm.

The Rhythm: Once a week (or once a day is better), check in with your son using any variation of the questions below. You can do this at any point throughout the day. During a ten-minute car ride. Between calendar events. At the dinner table. Right before bed. Just check in and discuss your hearts together. The rhythm allows me to be intentional and vulnerable with my family. I need both if I want genuine relationships with them beyond one-word answers. We promise that time together will yield good fruit; we've been doing this for years!

You don't have to ask them all at once. Mix and match based on the conversation. Whatever it is, here are some of the questions I (Chris) ask during our discussions:

How is your heart today?
What has God been saying to you this week?
How have things been this week?
At school, home, with friends, family?
How can I love you well or better right now?

Learn. Love. Lead.

All the people in our lives reflect a unique aspect of God's heart. Every person you meet is different from each other. This is especially true of our kids. They have your and your wife's genetics but are unique. They have unique hobbies, act distinctly, handle conflict in different ways, love, interact, and process life differently.

Because they are unique, we cannot "parent" our kids the same way. Yes, kids get equal and fair boundaries. Still, when they live out or push those boundaries differently, we handle their actions based on the situation and who they are. As parents, we must learn how God designed our kids so we can parent them the way He desires. If we want to parent them well, we must understand them and their uniqueness.

As a dad, using "that is just the way I parent" doesn't cut it as an excuse. If we don't adjust our parenting style for each kid's heart, we will never have relational success with them. Don't let your parenting style get in the way of your success. Instead, LEARN, LOVE, and LEAD your kids based on their needs, personality, and wiring (how God made them).

We must LEARN the way God wired each of our kids. What is their personality? What brings their heart alive? What interests them? How do they handle life, relate to others, and receive information and correction? Get to know each one intimately. Know and pursue their heart (This ties into asking good questions!).

We must LOVE each child exactly where they are. They are not a project to finish or a problem to be solved. They are image bearers of a good God! Of course, they are a work in progress, but we must love them right where they are and offer them what every heart truly desires: to be wholly known and fully loved. Don't make them earn your love or acceptance. Don't withhold affection when they struggle or fail. They need room to grow, and growth comes via struggle and failure. But, they need a loving, stable environment that they can return to, even when they do. Be that for them.

Last, LEAD each child differently. When your son or daughter believes they are wholly known and fully loved, they will follow you anywhere. They will trust your heart and intentions, making leading much more accessible. Where are you taking them? As close to God's heart as possible! Don't lead them to your expectations or vision for their lives. Help them know who and what God created them to be.

Honestly, I get it backward all the time. Because I am their dad, I want my kids to follow, respect, and trust me, but when I force this, I express a conditional love because, well, I want to be respected or honored as I feel I should without honoring and loving them! They end up feeling condemned and frustrated, and I only learn and know their defensive, guarded, self-preserving side. I only learn their reaction to my conditional love, which leads to more reactions. THIS IS EXHAUSTING and DOES NOT WORK! Let's commit to ordering our strategy better.

Let's LEARN, LOVE, and then LEAD.